By: Jessie Baker
(Best read with an Australian accent)
Before we were officially on our way, our exciting trip was preceded by Shirley,
our designated driver, trying to go straight in a left turn lane. We were felt very
assured that we would arrive safely after that event. We quickly recovered and
noted we were officially started on our trip.
On our way to Hilton Head we visited Switzerland, The Great Swamp of Switzerland and the Bahamas. We also decided that Sarah, who ditched us that morning to stay home, would be replaced by Sarah the Beach Ball. We listened to music hooked up via CD adapter. We had such delights as the "Stripper Song" and track 7 or was it #2... and who could forget Bob and Tom. We didn't have much food, just some pretzels, candy and Zits, oops, I mean Zips. We passed some awesome landmarks on the rest of the trip. We could have easily made our way back because of all the weird things that stood out from the rest. The barbed-wire school was interesting. We all felt safe on that road. And of course the Pizza, Subs, and Movie Rentals was the place to go for, well everything you need! One particular picture we all still have stuck in our heads was Alfred's Used Car Lot... with only two cars in it. (We are still wondering if he ever had anymore than that!) Oh and one more thing. Shari needs a shirt that says "imooncows", just to let you know. ;-) When we reached the edge of our destination we stopped at a near by McDonalds. Our crew was ravaged with hunger. Julie and I got a Mighty Kids Meal. We were surprised to find little creatures called "Chibi-Bottos" (WHAT THE ??) in the bottom of her box and my bag. The looked nothing like the expected Winnie the Pooh toys. We were very disappointed. Later, as we exited the restaurant we grabbed a souvenir. We had retrieved a ball from the hamster cage. Quite an achievement I might add. The next adventure was the monotonous unending traffic circles. I aided Shirley in finding the safest route out. We had escaped the Minotaur in the middle.
We soon arrived to the beach where we scouted for parking.
All we could find were the exits to them. The majority voted to risk the Exit! We eventually pick out a luxurious spot with shade for our minivan (yes, we took a minivan). Our next dilemma was to figure out the direction of the beach. We were in peril. Shirley, our designated driver, using her blonde attributes quickly hailed a passing pedestrian with a desperate I-am-gonna-just-die-if-you- don't-help-us cry of "Excuse me... excuse me... PLEASE!!!" The entranced pedestrian pointed us on our way and Shirley let him go. Soon we were about to exit the parking lot and finally get to the beach. BUT! Lo and behold there was the sign saying "violators will be towed". The parking was $1.50 and we had missed the entrance where you pay. A silence hushed the group. Everyone scrounged around for quarters. I myself put one in the pot. We then waited while Shirley ran to buy a parking ticket and place it in our minivan. Soon she returned and our crew ventured on towards the beach. Obviously thinking she was extremely blessed to finally be at the beach, Shari busts out with "God Is Watching Us" as we are walking, closing in on the beach. Soon we all joined in. On arriving to the sand we discovered that the area was densely furnished. We started casing for a spot on the beach. Shirley, using her blonde attributes once again, asked a man whether the tide was going in or out. It was going out, so we plopped down camp right in front of him. A few of us ventured into the water to cool off to prepare for a tanning session.
Back at camp we settled down to get the sun.
*Somewhere around here is when we saw these people making out
and so we stood there and acted like we were taking a picture of us,
but it was really of them!
Two hot guys and one girl=weird sandwich!*
We each had our own problem.
Shari, the black sea chicken, did not want any sun. We quickly solved that by covering her with towels to protect her exposed ends. I, the tanned/burnt sea chicken, needed only my back sunned. My dilemma was to not get a tan line on my back with out exposing myself and hurting my tummy burn. This was virtually impossible. We soon solved this problem with giving up and Shari's Self-Made Closet: Coming Out.
Shari's Self-Made Closet: Coming Out
Ginny and Melissa , the white sea chickens, slopped on sun screen so as to not to change their sea chicken color. Julie, the almost tanned sea chicken really had no problem except her longing for companionship. We quickly solved this. At the moment of giving up, all the sea chickens rushed to the water's edge. All but the black and almost tanned sea chicken went splashing into the water. The white sea chickens and I slowly coaxed the others in and we eventually were in ankle deep water. A boy of 12 eventually floated over and started eyeing the almost tanned sea chicken.
(Julie's Boyfriend: age 12)
He wanted her. She had found her companion. After her new companion's calm words "go out farther" sunk in, the almost tanned sea chicken began frolicking in the waves with the rest of us. Soon after, Shirley, the mamma sea chicken, brought us the Crevice. All the sea chickens, including myself, fought for a spot on the Crevice. After our blatant screaming and fighting, the almost tanned sea chicken's man floated away... never to be seen again., but we did remember him asking us at some point "Are ya'll from Britain or Italy or something?". That tells you how good my accent is! Soon after, the black sea chicken noticed our Sarah replacement was not out with us frolicking in the waves. She went to bring her out to us. When she returned there were some fine sea roosters bringing their beach chairs out into the surf. This hinted to us that they were idiot sea roosters. Later the sea chickens noticed other sea roosters on the beach. Some were older, smoking up on some rooster weed or something and others were really old and wearing rooster Speedo's. The sea chickens were blinded. Soon after recovery the black sea chicken began to wander back to shore. I, the tanned/burned sea chicken, beckoned her back with "Shake Your Booty!". And she did. That was that.
Soon all the sea chickens ventured back to the shore where we committed ourselves to
packing up our camp. It was time to migrate to the bird baths. The bird baths were crowded, but each sea chicken got their frolicking in. We took over the bathrooms. Our chicken crap was everywhere. We looked like we were living in the bathrooms. It would have made an awful chicken pen though. All the sea chickens plucked and preened themselves in the metal mirrors and packed up to leave. They walked out of the bathrooms as Jessie, Shari, Julie, Melissa, Ginny, and Shirley once again. Shirley headed for the minivan to come and pick up the stuff. We were not going to carry the stuff any longer. It was time to hit the shops. As we were waiting Ginny and Melissa informed us that they sell Christmas Weed. We all assured them that at Christmas we would all buy some from them. And some pot too. Shirley soon returned with the minivan and we all piled in, eager to be out of the heat. Outlet malls, Here We Come! One thing I must remind all of you readers. Look at the title. Here is where it comes to play. We are traveling down the road and we all start to notice two clouds of smoke. Everyone starts to make theories on the issue. Mine was a car on fire, then a brush fire, then two cars on fire and so on. Soon we approached the scene. On the side of the road, and yes I mean the very edge of the road, there was this brush fire! No car and no cause of the fire. I assumed it was a set fire because of the kudzu growing in the brush, but no! No one was around to supervise! The traffic was slowing down drastically, we all were afraid of it halting. There was still the next cloud of smoke ahead. We were ultimately lost for ideas. 10 more feet down the road later, a man came walking back toward the brush fire with a shovel. We assumed to put it out. BUT HE WASN'T RUNNING! So how could it have been important or urgent? The freakin fire was on the side of the road dangerously close to moving vehicles. Something was fishy and it wasn't just the air from the estuary. As we approached the smoke up ahead we all held our breaths. What was it? As the view cleared we all got a good glimpse. It was a garbage truck on fire! (That could explain the smell) Being girls from Georgia, this was a sight to see. We will tell our grandchildren how we saw the garbage truck on fire before the fire trucks were there! Luckily no cops were there either, so no one was there to stop traffic. We ended up coasting by watching some innocent bystander use a common hose, trying to put out the garbage. So this is what adventure is! Now on to the outlet malls again!
As we approached this destination we saw several emergency vehicles.
Have you ever wondered where they were going when you see them? Well we all felt special, we all knew where they were going. So ha. Maybe this was a cooler trip than we ever thought it was gonna be! We soon turned into the parking lot of the outlet mall we were going to ransack. This was gonna be fun. A big sign was beckoning us all... 50% OFF THE WHOLE STORE! Yes! This is the place to be. (also conveniently located next to an Old Navy for those preppy people accompanying us... OK so I bought something there too!) After everyone turned the 50% OFF store inside out we bought what we could and moved on to Marshalls. For those of you who don't know Marshalls, I pity you. It is the most awesome place for cool stuff! We all wandered around the clothes finding stuff and met back up. We all matched pants! There was some stuff just too cool to mention in here. We can only show you in pictures!
(Taken In Marshalls Dressing Room)
Melissa and I matched camo pants, Julie and I matched gold sparkle pants and then we all just went off on our own. We bought our pants and moved on to the preppy Old Navy. Shirley went into the nearby Subway to start on eating dinner so she would still be able to be our designated driver for the way home. Old Navy was quick and soon we went to get some grub. Here is the fateful moment... Jessie ventures into the unknown to order the soup and eat it in the minivan! Shari also had her little meal of drippin oil! Everyone else ate regular stuff, although Julie and Melissa got plain items and got yelled at by the food preparer for not putting anything else on their sandwich!!!! (I did too!) As soon as we all got out of the line Shirley arrived with the minivan. All piled in and situated ourselves to enjoy our food. We were ravenous Unseachickens!! I soon finished my soup, leaving the chunks of celery in the bottom of the cup. In the next moment all the pieces were spread all over the front of the minivan. We had witnessed a SOUP ATTACK! AHHH EXPLODE! That definitely made the evening. (soon to be outdone by further issues...)
(Picture Taken After The Soup Attack)
On leaving the stores to venture home we stopped at a ghetto Burger King.
"Where you stay?", was our first alien conversation. Shari, our translator, quickly answered "We're from Augusta". We were saved from detection for the moment. All of us splurged in one way or another, including my frozen float with out the float. Well later down the road we discovered the weirdest things can come charging out of the woods at you. Including a black dude on a horse carrying a body bag.
To end this story short I'll just explain all that we learned on the way back.
1. Flaming garbage trucks can follow you and strategically place themselves in your way twice
2. We are
3. Serial Killers don't have TV's in their trucks, but they do have boots sticking out of the truck, maybe bodies too.
(Serial Killer's Truck, complete with boots)
4. We wouldn't be able to see the sign for help underneath a truck of a serial killer... and what would he write with!??!
5. Hey, we're following the green truck!
6. Feminine Hygiene is a true song, but mamma won't let you play it in a gas station
7. Sierra is a cool name
8. Look it's Giant Pinecones! No! Its giant pineapples! No... they're moving pine trees!
9. We're on the evacuation route
10. Mary Poppins really is a junkie
11. Stop for road kill!
12. Baby's Black Balloon = Hostess, Where's the cream filling?
13. A blue headed pig?
14. Mom flips out when she hits an owl... WHACK! AHHHHH!!! (SWERVE)
15. There are some pretty weird birds outside a ghetto Burger King
(Weird bird outside ghetto Burger King)
16. There is such a thing as an El Cheapo gas station
(El Cheapo Gas Station)
And just remember, we don't have problems, we have ISSUES!
AND when in doubt just cut off the air conditioner to get more power and floor it.
Finally... THE END!
And last, but not least
The Flaming Garbage Truck Story!
Garbage Truck
I found a story on it in the Hilton Head News and here it is!
